Break the cycle: why beating yourself up over spending doesn’t work, and what to do instead

At the end of the month, you tally up your spending in that one stubborn category - whether it’s dining out, Ubers, or Nikes - and find that you’re over budget. Again. Cue the spiral: “I’m so irresponsible! How did I let this happen? Why can’t I be good with money?” Fast forward to next month: rinse and repeat.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone - and you’re not doomed to overspending for eternity. A gentle approach can effectively change your behavior and your mindset. To make sense of how shaming yourself can backfire, consider how you’d talk to a friend with the same problem:

Conversation 1

Your friend: Ugh! I spent $400 on takeout again this month. Why am I so bad at budgeting??

You: Wow, you are pretty awful at this. Are you sure you’re cut out for financial stability?

No way, right? I imagine the conversation would go something like this:

Conversation 2

Your friend: Ugh! I spent $400 on takeout again this month. Why am I so bad at budgeting??

You: That’s so frustrating - do you have any ideas on why that happened, or any manageable changes you could make to reduce your spending on food next month?

Conversation 1 added no value for your friend, and probably made them feel embarrassed and pretty defensive. Conversation 2 validated their frustration and opened the door to problem-solving. Good news: you can try this same tactic with your own mentality. 

The first (and hardest, in my opinion) step is catching it happening. When going over your budget, notice how you respond physically, mentally and emotionally. Has your jaw tightened, or have your shoulders gone to visit your ears? Do thoughts like “I’ll never get it right” come up? Do you feel attacked or judged? If so, you might have wandered into shame-land, as in Conversation 1.

Now that you’ve noticed (nice!), try reframing the problem. Yes, you overspent in that sticky category. Instead of asking “why am I so bad with money,” try approaching your spending with curiosity:

• Did you move last month or get a big project dumped on your plate at work?

• Has your lifestyle changed since you set your budget? 

• Would weekly spending check-ins or an accountability partner help?

Now, you’ve restructured the question as a logistics and support issue, rather than an identity issue. From here, you can bust out of the shame spiral and get that spending number back in line with what matters to you. Fixing your finances isn’t about being perfect - asking targeted questions and meeting the answers with compassion is a brave step in the right direction.

I’d love to hear your thoughts: what category tends to spark the shame spiral in your budget? Email me and let me know: tara@trekwithtara.com. I respond to every email.